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The rumor we've heard for years is confirmed — if you'd care to use the word "confirmed" for "an item on the Post's Page Six." Yes, there is a Paris Hilton sex tape. Yes, I'd like to see it — if you'd care to use the word "like" to mean "screaming while hiding my eyes with one hand." Kind of like at Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I have a theory about Paris Hilton: she will be the ultimate resolution of the virgin/whore archetype. Men everywhere know that she is a slanch. And yet, they are thrilled with her clean-teen nubility — the strange flood of emails from guys defending Paris' dignity is legion here at Gawker HQ.

All that being said, there are evidently legions of men who would like to invade Paris' privacy — if by "invade privacy" you mean "totally do her."

Perhaps there is a lesson in this: money, as Cyndi Lauper once sang, changes everything. I predict this: the sex tape will be made public on the internet, and Paris will become an ardent pro-sex crusader. She'll take her message to the streets of the world, celebrating young women's sexuality and freedom and the right to proudly wear little teeny outfits.
Paris' Sex Romp Caught on Video [NY Post]