BREAKING! Joyce Wadler, the NYT Boldface Names gossip columnist who always makes it abundantly clear how much she hates her job, has promised to die. The following magic words must be spoken by a celebrity on a red carpet, thereby inducing Ms. Wadler's promised instant death:

And if anyone ever says to us, when we ask her on the red carpet what brought her there, "I don't know a soul here, I came because they promised a limo and dinner, and of course one can always use the face time on 'Entertainment Tonight,' and if you think I'm returning this dress to ROBERTO CAVALLI you're nuts," we will clutch our hearts and fall to the ground in cardiac arrest.

We're raising some money right now — I'm sure we can bribe some actress to say this.
Why Is Our Bag Missing That Trip to Las Vegas? [NYT]