Defamer Is There: Meryl Streep's AFI Life Achievement Award
Last night, we slipped free of the shackles that bind us to our computer and actually attended the AFI Life Achievement Award ceremony for Meryl Streep at the Kodak Theater (and, more importantly, the afterparty at the Highlands club). We imagine it was just like being at the Oscars, but without the constant urge to have Billy Crystal sterilized.
The ceremony was long, long, long...so we'll just give you the highlights, with an emphasis on things they'll edit out for the television broadcast. And not that we expected a hit job at a tribute ceremony, but we distinctly got the feeling that if we ever develop cancer, merely running lines with Streep would assuredly send it into remission.
—Jim Carrey, who stars with Streep in the upcoming Lemony Snicket movie, kicked off the ceremony. He was hilarious, eventually getting off so much on the crowd's adoration that he ran among the tables to go after Streep, singing "Simply the Best." He also added a version of the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love," happily noting the fuck-you to AFI's music-clearance department.
—James Woods recounted a tale of how he kept it in his pants long enough to be present for Streep's introduction to longtime husband Don Gummer. He also explains the difference between a boring actor story and a boring, British actor story: The Brits are always drunk in their boring actor stories.
—Jack Nicholson (miraculously showing up on a Laker Finals night) called Streep a "cunt." You know, in the kindest sense of the word. (He was admittedly quoting Dustin Hoffman.) Also, Streep taught him how to love or some such.
—Meme of the night: Meryl can play you better than you can play yourself: Repeated by Nora Ephron, whom Streep played in Heartburn, and Carrie Fisher, whom she played in Postcards From The Edge. Loved ones express a disappointment with the real article once Meryl has given one life on the big screen, just waiting patiently for their death so they can get back to the improved, Streep version.
—Ephron also adds that Streep is so good that she portrayed Marisa Tomei in her Oscar-winning performance in My Cousin Vinny. She claims that she surprised Meryl in her trailer without her makeup, and that she was actually a 63-year-old Asian woman named Chi-Pak. People, she's that fucking good.
—Tracey Ullman told of a scary, near-crash encounter she and Streep shared on a British airplane. But you know that Meryl—she waved her hand and the plane magically regained proper aerodynamics, setting them down in a field of enchanted marshmallows.
—Diane Keaton insisted on dressing like a gayed-up Charlie Chaplin, wearing a white derby and white gloves. Also, she looks very, very old on the Jumbotron above the stage. When we were reminded by a companion that she is very old, we indignantly retorted that this is LA, and that some jailbaity blonde with big tits should have been cast in the Keaton role for the ceremony.
—Somehow, clips of She Devil are not presented in the evening's entertainment. You gotta dig deep to find dirt on this woman. The closest thing all night was a still photo of Streep from The River Wild.
—Clare Danes gave, by far, the worst tribute of the night, seemingly reading the Statement of Purpose from her college application, replacing "Yale" with "Meryl Streep." Thankfully, we didn't see Danes stealing away any husbands or boyfriends from their knocked-up partners. Must have taken the night off.
—We just realized that we haven't even mentioned Streep herself. She kept us entertained throughout the ceremony with the sharpest of Oscar-quality facial expression chops, reacting silently as cameras caught her in moments of "embarrassment," "humility," "motherly pride," and the high-difficulty "Humbly embarrassed, with a hint of motherly pride and a single tear." By the end of the night, we kind of wanted to do her. But you know, Bob Gummer's got dibs.
—Afterparty: After sitting through the (overall excellent) ceremony without the benefit of drink, we became quickly intoxicated when returned to the presence of free martinis. And we spent more time watching the crab cake tray than gawking at celebrities. [Ed. note to middle-aged men: You look pathetic hawking around the waitstaff with the free food. Stay still, the tiny pizzas will come your way eventually. Must have been an agent.]
Among those that bothered to attend the reception were James Woods, Kevin Kline, Shirley Maclaine, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn (with Kurt adorably carrying around Goldie's heels as she padded around barefoot), Tracey Ullman, Leelee Sobieski (who was nattering on to a friend in French), and Jesus Christ, whom we overheard telling a small group that if he had not saved man from his sins, Meryl would have. He also said he wished she'd played him in Passion of the Christ, but was afraid that God would have preferred the Streep version.
