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—Madonna does some more wacky Kabbalah-related shit; wake us when she opens a Kabbalah Centre on the moon.
—Finally, a rep denies that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant; call us when she gives birth to triplets named Donkey, Streisand, and Forklift in a few months.
—Michael Jackson paid a huge sum to settle a sex-abuse suit in 1993; gives us a jingle when we have evidence of hush-money paid to an underage llama for that magical, yet one-sided, night underneath the Neverland Ferris wheel.
—Woody Allen still alive and making movies. Fucking prove it.