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Perhaps some of you more internet-addicted sort noticed that I disappeared for about 12 hours today, and was unable to dispense my usual high-handed crapulence. But I'll have you know I was doing us all a service.

As soon as I heard the big news about today's tragedy, I cadged a ride from Teterboro to a location I cannot disclose, marched into that rehab past the nurses right into the celebrity wing, and screamed, "PUKE THAT FOOD UP! THE ONLY WAY ANYONE WILL LOVE YOU IS IF YOU KILL YOURSELF BY BRUTAL STARVATION! YOU MUST ROLE-MODEL THIS BEHAVIOR FOR MILLIONS OF VULNERABLE TWEEN GIRLS!" Then I slapped Mary-Kate until the pallor returned to her hollow cheeks and came right back home. The good news? I think she's going to be okay! She's got at least another four years left of emaciated stardom before she drops dead.
Fifty Percent of Olsen Twins Reportedly In Rehab [Defamer]
Mary-Kate Olsen Seeks Treatment For Eating Disorder [MTV News]