News, trends, and buzz from the week gone by.

↑ The Serial Crapper attacks Wenner Media and TV Guide and/or Fox: where will s/he crap next? (Our vote: Cargo lobby!)
↑ Allegra Beck: She's 18, loaded, fabulously dressed, and although we hear rumors that she received medical treatment from Anna Wintour's ex-husband at a tender age, she still has a hard time getting her mouth around a sandwich.
↑ Paris Hilton: still more popular than a third-world catastrophe.
↑ Divas aging gracefully-ish live! Janet Jackson and Patti LaBelle loved up the gays.
↑ Howard Stern: kicking FCC ass and taking names.
↑ Pump up the volume on the NYT/LAT staff-grabbing ruckus.
↑ Friendster graveyard: there are more dead people on the internet every day.
↑ Lorne Manly gets all manly as king of the NYT media reporting crew.
↓ Adult prom parties: no, no, and no.
↓ Magazines. Tell me why we read these things again?
↓ Conde Nast: yeah we're still obsessed, but we're almost over it.
↓ Lindsay Lohan: okay, she's 18 now, her dad's been arrested three hundred times this year. She's still no Natalie Portman.
↓ Christopher Hitchens has been losing his shit in public for a while now, at the rate of tens of thousands of words a day. Perhaps he needs a relaxing vacation. May we suggest Gore Vidal's adorable Mediterranean villa?
↓ Mary-Kate Olsen: eh, we all did some coke once.
↓ As the NY Post will point out this weekend, there are actually people who live in trailers in this country, and uber-rich pop tartlets (and the gram's worth of diamond they've squeezed onto their chunky ring fingers) don't need to work quite so hard to emulate them. Britney's engaged, and we're so totally over it.