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—Whether you're Scarlett or Hilary, a white skirt and pink Chuck Taylors make you seem like you're trying to pick up whiskey-soaked Japanese businessmen in a Tokyo social club.
—Buy your very own KITT, but be warned: It will not safely turbo-boost you away from a DUI. Just ask Hasselhoff.
—Justin Timberlake's lawyers demand a retraction from News of the World for saying he had sex with someone much hotter and much less famous than Cameron Diaz.
—A t-shirt we can literally get behind.
—Kirstie Alley to star in Fat Actress, a "send-up of her own image as well as Hollywood's obsession with weight and beauty," as well as a convenient excuse to never try and lose another pound. Winking at yourself through fat eyelids is still so much easier than cutting out the carbs.