Lest you forget that the National Enquirer is still the best damn "magazine" out there, we'd like to point out a snippet truly beyond compare:

[Martha Stewart] has been advised by friends to hire a hulking gay girl, the toughest in the prison population as her 'protector.'

Hello, Us Weekly? Star? Where is the coverage of this important developing high-society story?
Martha's Friends Tell Her To Hire A Tough Lesbian Inmate to Guard Her [Enquirer]