Who scored the most column inches this week, thereby ensuring our devotion to their media whoredom?

↑ Now that Donatella Versace is in rehab, we're totally fixated on Victoria Gotti and her train-wreck reality show. And her hot underage sons! Heh. *Shudder*
↑ Time Warner Chairman Dick Parsons goes all postal on Fox News, saying Fox viewers want to "sit down for an hour or two and listen to crazy people exchange views." Well, obvious, yes: but still we gleefully scream CATFIGHT!
↑ Someone broke-and-entered Paris Hilton.
↑ PR queen Lizzie Grubman proves us wrong in her Learning Annex class: she isn't a vindictive evil beast, she's just misunderstood. Ha ha. No really.
↑ Club-kid killer Michael Alig still brings the public relations from behind bars.
↑ Vincent Gallo assaults the eyes of Los Angeles with a giant, fellatio-emblazened billboard for his film, "Brown Bunny," then takes it down.
↑ Service journalism abounds! We help you sneak into gay bars and show you how to tip your dealer.
↑ Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas might be back on the dirty-hipster market.
↑ There's nothing like a little lawyering to get the tabloids to drop the story about your cocaine addiction. And by "you," we mean Mary-Kate Olsen.
↓ The Village Voice shaves its staff down to two interns and a dog.
↓ Ensuring future generations are equally cult-obsessed as we are, Madonna plans to open a Kabbalah school in NYC.
↓ Paris Hilton gets all banged up, but terrorists are not deterred.
↓ Page Six apologizes for a Brandon Tartikoff sighting from beyond the grave.
↓ Barney's is for sale for approximately a gazillion dollars. Walk, don't run.
↓ The Hamptons are only good for watching rich people fall down.
↓ New VIP club Frederick's announces its initial member list, including the newest object of our fixations, Holly Dunlap.
↓ Salon brings in more income this quarter, and pretends it means they have a profit.
↓ Faux "It" Boy Fabian Basabe leaves NYC through Labor Day, leaving a barely perceptible hole in the it-o-sphere.
↓ God killed Rick James and we think God sucks. Also: wow, natural causes? Hope those natural causes don't get us at the ripe old age of 56.