My name is Jessica Coen, and I ll be your Gawker today. Please buckle your seatbelts and hang on as I crash this weblog into the Adirondacks, where we'll be forced to eat the flesh of our dead.

So I just moved to New York a month ago. And I d never ever heard anything about New York either. The outgoing editor Choire and our publisher Nick Denton lured me here with the promise of lollipops and Sigerson Morrison shoes. But now... What s this subway everyone keeps talking about? And why are there so many yellow cars? What s a Graydon?

What else? I'm 24 years old, sorta young. Well, compared to Choire, we're all young. Also, I just learned to read a few months ago. How can I possibly understand Manhattan media and culture and gossip when I barely know how to decipher multisyllabic words like Tina and Conde? That's the thing about being a girl — and a blonde. Everyone knows we're very, very stupid. It's true!

A couple of people have asked me about my writing experience. You'll be pleased to know I ve never even picked up a pen before, much less sat at a computer and typed out complete sentences. Sure, I had a little weblog before all of this, but that s not real writing, now is it?

As if this were a Nerve.com profile, my interests include anything morally suspect and ethically ambiguous. You know, typical media stuff. I d love to share a bed with Ariel Foxman whilst violently shredding the pages of Lucky. I guess that makes me a shopaholic fag hag? Also, like all Gawker Media employees, I m a devout Kabbalahist and I plan on enrolling all 3 of my illegitimate children in Madonna s primary school.

Okay, that s more than enough information for today. Let s move forward with the ass and pony show, shall we?