Briefly, can some D-listers please start publicly screwing barnyard animals or something? There's nothing out there, people. You can hear the crickets laughing at the paltry social reports.

· Crisis on Homo Island: the notoriously debauched Pines Beach Party was cancelled due to torrential downpours. To make matters worse, the fresh young things were relocated to a barn called the Pavilion, where they were charged $50 to be in the company of a disco ball. (We hear that the party re-started the next day, after the rain, but everyone was too deep in a K-hole to know about it.) [Page Six]
· Original supermodel and former PETA mouthpiece Cindy Crawford turns her back on those softies and starts modeling furs. Is Cindy strapped for cash or just trying to get that hot red paint look? [Page Six]
· We can't quite wrap our heads around this one, but Joe Piscopo just might run for New Jersey Governor, which makes the whole Schwarzenegger/California debacle look reasonable in comparison. [NYDN]