↑ It was inevitable, really: we start taking Kabbalah classes.
↑ Socialite and professional idiot Nicky Hilton outdoes sister Paris for once and marries creepy Todd Meister in Vegas.
↑ Tinkerbell, the unfortunate chihuahua belonging to Paris Hilton, is lost and then found.
↑ We totally want to do the Observer's Tom Scocca.
↑ LA Weekly's Nikki Finke goes postal on a GQ editor, and the whole world shudders.
↑ Lit agent Doug Dechert releases a pervy diatribe against his barely-legal former lover, memoirist Abigail Vona.
↑ East Hampton's Two Mile Hollow Beach gets gay again! Hurrah!
↑ Join us in our crusade to ensure that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are cast in the next season of MTV's reality disaster, "Newlyweds."
↑ We harass Warren St. John, Brett Martin, Ginger Clark, John J. Edwards III, and John Morgan.
↓ The Olsen twins, despite being worth a bazillion dollars, refuse to pay $100k for necessary renovations to their Morton Square barf annex.
↓ Bill O'Reilly's smug mug gets a beating in the subways.
↓ Tom Wolfe's latest novel to get the censor-treatment in the New York Times. Boo! Bring on the raunch, Gray Lady!
↓ Nothing like a sketchy blackout reunion party, right? Thank God.
↓ Two Irish guys without dogs decide to launch the worst magazine ever, purely for shits and giggles.
↓ Vincent Gallo pulls a three-page rant from the Village Voice because they refuse to put his scary headshot on the cover.
↓ The New York Times sniffed a lot of glue this week, eh?
↓ iPod covers go totally retarded in hooded sweatshirt form. Wha?
↓ Nest magazine officially calls it quits, leaving a gaping hole in the world of impractical interior design.
↓ Who isn't inflating their circulation numbers these days?
↓ Jane Pauley's going crazy! Yay!