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Defamer checked out the opening of Hollywood Hell House at the Steve Allen Theater Saturday night to experience some good, clean, fundamentalist Christian scare-tactics as reinterpreted by some heathen Hollywood troublemakers. Our brief photo-essay follows. The vignettes are presented out of chronological order so that we don't spoil the House's surprises for anyone who wants to see graphic depictions of what awaits their sinning souls in the afterlife. Also, since this is a family-oriented blog, we're saving the (extremely) gory photos for ourselves.

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First, a little celebrity-spotting background: Our tour group included The Good Girl/Chuck and Buck director Miguel Arteta and, strangely appropriately, Fear Factor host Joe Rogan, who probably picked up some fresh inspiration for the show from the tour's blood-spattered vignettes. Pictured: Six Feet Under's Justina Machado is offered up for a human sacrifice. We don't remember Hell House's official stance on a blood offering, but we're pretty sure it's a sin, even if it's performed by cleavage-baring succubi.

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Not only will listening to Marilyn Manson ensure that you'll never get to engage in premarital sex (a sin), it also pretty much guarantees that you'll paint the walls of your algebra classroom with the blood of your taunting classmates. Avoid goth/glam metal and greatly increase your chances at redemption.

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While raves may seem like a harmless place to ingest recreational drugs (a sin) and show off your totally rad glowsticks (not a sin), it's also a place where frat boys will slip you a Roofie (sin) and gang-rape you (sin, sin, sin) on the dance floor. And not to spoil anything, but things get a lot worse from there.

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Andy Richter stars as the most appealing Christ figure since Michael Clarke Duncan in the The Green Mile.(Your Savior in subsequent Hell House visits may be different and not as delightfully Jesus-y.)

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Hell House's Grand Guignol vision of Hell is incredibly faithful to those presented by your typical guest-list protected Hollywood dance club. We're pretty sure we've seen that meat grinder at Deep.

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The Gays get no quarter at Hell House. Here, a patient stricken with AIDS is taunted by a demon before being damned for failing to repent his man-lovin' ways. You may recall that homosexuality is a major no-no with the fundamentalists. There was no specific mention of breeder butt-sex, but from the general tenor of the evening, we're not going to risk it for at least a week.

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So chilling was the fate of the AIDS victim that a Hell House guest felt compelled to confess that he "made friends with a gay" on the Jesus wall. A similar confession pinned to the wall admitted befriending a Jew, a practice the Hell House did not explicitly condemn. But, you know, just in case.

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Bill Maher chewed the hellscape's scenery as the Devil. We later saw him leave with an attractive female member of our tour group. Indeed, celebrities seem to wield an infernal mind control (almost certainly a sin) that clouds the feeble minds of mactresses.

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The Devil's cue cards make sure that the evening's Beelzebub doesn't have to venture too far off-book and transgress against the script. Improv comedy is, under most circumstances, a mortal sin.