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—Dubious Britney Spears ABC Gum Auction Mania Sweeps World! Breaking! Oh, yeah, this is old news. Wake us when the Tampax hits eBay, OK?
—Hottest trend in music videos: depicting scenes from your own life. Britney's already been there, so are we surprised to see Lindsay Lohan jumping on the bandwagon?
—Paris rolled out her junk jewelry on Amazon, so now Nicky Hilton must inflict her clothing line on unsuspecting fashion victims. When will this tiresome one-upskankship end? When Tara Reid endorses designer birth control?
—Bring your baby to the movies...and pray that it doesn't choke on popcorn and die. Or, you know, maybe you've got too many kids and don't want to pray so hard. It's a free country.