↑ Republicans may not be cool, but they can certainly get laid.
↑ We accost Henry J. Stern, Evan Thies, Michael Bates, Dan Garodnick, and Steve Brodner.
↑ Star magazine is back to doing what we love them for: unabashed Olsen-hunting.
↑ What sort of people are willing to "hate-fuck" a visiting Republican? Vanity Fair writers, we assume.
↑ We venture inside the convention and find it to be just as freakish as we imagined.
↑ Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord appalls us, then wins us over with her insane diatribe.
↑ Bloodshed amongst the leggers! Page Six's Chris Wilson spits on the Daily News' Hudson Morgan, finally making a GOP function mildly entertaining.
↑ Paris Hilton sells retail. How horribly blue-collar.
↑ Media smackdown! Maer Roshan to mud-wrestle Bill O'Reilly!
↑ We discover Paris Hilton for the big-handed freak she is.
↓ The Time Warner Media Party sucks.
↓ Related: the Bush twins' "R" party sucks.
↓ Someone gets pissy about media freebies. Oh, boo hoo. Too little, too late!
↓ The MTV Video Music Awards fail to shock or disgust us — we're so disappointed.
↓ Friendster Magazine is announced and we collectively shake our heads in shame.
↓ Wenner Media's desk checks are next week! Prepare thyself for master Jann!
↓ Foxy Brown goes postal over a $35 manicure.
↓ MediaBistro Editor-in-Chief Jesse Oxfeld runs for dear life.
↓ NY Post headlines descend further into a shame spiral.