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Why are we bringing you the box office results instead of adding a day's worth of sun poisoning to the weekend's dose of alcohol poisoning? Have you been outside the last two days? If we'd wanted to spend the holiday baking in 102 degree heat, we would have gone to Phoenix.

1. Hero — $11.5 million
In this most lackluster of box office weekends, the people have spoken: They want their nearly bloodless, highly stylized martial arts action, and they want it with subtitles.

2. Without A Paddle — $9.4 million
Unlikely second place finisher Without A Paddle is redefining the term "late summer blockbuster." This new definition includes "screaming thirteen year olds needing something to do," "not actually making much money," and "Matthew Lillard hilariously playing off a strong homoerotic subtext." Watch for the lessons learned from WAP in next year's crop of late August releases.

3. Anacondas — $8 million
The people have spoken, part II: They would rather watch shoddily animated snakes strangle my waiter from Barney's Beanery than take a chance on one of this weekend's new releases.

4. Paparazzi — $7.8 million
We can hear Cole Hauser's reps already working the phones, spinning Paparazzi's finish as "Hauser has proved his opening weekend bankability by coming in with the number one Mel Gibson produced paparazzi-slaughtering revenge fantasy in the nation!" Unless, of course, Mel had a bad weekend and offed a guy trying to snap a picture of him buying hot dogs for a Labor Day barbecue.

5. Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement — $7.3 million
We can't look Anne Hathaway in the eye anymore after finding out her ex is now dating Ashley Olsen.