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The numbers from your weekend, when all but the most quality-tolerant moviegoers stayed at home to catch up on what's been moldering on their TiVo's.

1. Resident Evil: Apocalypse — $23.7 million
We were both gratified (we called it) and vaguely depressed to discover that there are about $23 million worth of combination Milla Jovovich/zombie fans in America. But those conflicting feelings might have set in after we mistakenly flushed our Xanax down the toilet on Saturday morning.

2. Cellular — $10.6 million
The first post-Labor Day weekend is a wondrous place where even B-movies can finish second in the box office race, and where we're reminded that Kim Basinger hasn't yet retired from acting.

3. Without A Paddle — $4.6 million
Matthew Lillard and Seth Green will probably consider themselves too hot to reunite for a sequel, leaving Punk'd's Dax Shepard to star with Xzibit from Pimp My Ride and that tranny who got plastic surgery to look like J. Lo on I Want A Famous Face.

4. Hero — $4.4 million
We'd like to make some kind of considered, sweeping statement about America because more people went to Without A Paddle than Hero this weekend, but it's easier to say dismissively that people like crap and leave it alone.

5. Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement — $2.93 million
Private message to Anne Hathaway: Is it weird to see your ex-boyfriend on the cover of the new US Weekly, orbiting around new flame Ashley Olsen's life-size head? Maybe you can e-mail him a box office comparison of PD2 and New York Minute and let him know what he's missing. Also, we give you permission to drop the fact that we've called you "The Next Julia Roberts" a couple of times, if you really want to turn the knife.