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Allow the weekend's box office results to cascade over your chin like the work-week's first cup of coffee.

1. The Forgotten — $22 million
Now that The Forgotten has opened at Number One, we feel completely justified in offering these spoilers, as everyone who cares has already bought a ticket: Existence is meaningless, reality is a crude construction of the government, and the love of a mother for her child conquers all. Now that we've ruined everything for you, allow us to salve the wounds of your flayed worldview: As you eat lunch in your cubicle, a marketing VP at Sony is getting five minutes in the copy room with a medium-priced call girl.

2. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow — $6.7 million
Our abusive relationship with Sky Captain continues for a second week. We make a generous projection, it again underperforms. We promise to be better, baby, just no more black eyes, OK? We can only tell the interns we walked into a door so many times.

3. Mr. 3000 — $5 million
Our eerily accurate prediction: $5 million. This incremental victory in the battle against America's box office was barely enough to keep us from our morning cutting session.

4. [tie] First Daughter — $4 million
We fear that Chasing Liberty may have quenched the nation's thirst for first-daughters-falling-in-love movies.

4. [tie] Resident Evil: Apocalypse — $4 million
Oops! We backed the wrong zombie movie, and, apparently, so did the public. Our tenuous faith in humanity is once again shaken and the tiny gain in self esteem from our Mr. 3000 projection has been erased. Happy Monday!