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In an attempt to ensure that no one ever, ever gets any work done while they're on the clock, Gawker Media (the "empire" that sends us a monthly stipend of Ramen noodles and Cossack vodka in exchange for sitting around in our underwear all day) launches three new, testosterone-centered titles. The new kids: Jalopnik, a blog so obsessed with cars you can inspect its "gear shift knob" for tailpipe burns; Kotaku, a blog for the bleary-eyed, fatigue-thumbed video-gamer; Screenhead, a blog repository of the web's best "funny shit." Check out our new writers as they post their hearts out, pretending to shrug off the lashes from Brobdingnagian blog impresario Nick Denton's cat o' nine tails. Don't worry, guys—you won't even feel the wounds once they scab over.