Miramax Morale Report: Yeah, It's Not Good
It's a brave, new world at the leaner-and-meaner Miramax. After Harvey Weinstein tossed scads of nonessential employees (you know, like the film acquisitions people) out of empty windows over the past handful of months, the Miramax Left Behind have had the last shreds of their morale sapped by a barrage of memoranda detailing the company's cost-cutting policies. After suffering memos about Miramax's revised vacation directives (different for NY and LA offices, natch), an LA staffer finally snapped. The following "memo" on snack policies is now happily circulating through the Max's tumbleweed-strewn offices. Apparently, even Disney's decimated subsidiary can lay a claim to the title of "the happiest place on earth."
From: XX
Sent: Thursday, October 07, 2004 9:49 AM
To:
Subject: Snack Time- Machines - Accruals
MIRAMAX FILM CORP.
SNACK & COLA MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL CALIFORNIA EMPLOYEES
DATE: October 6, 2004
RE: Snack & Coke Machine Re-Fills/Ho Ho & Potato Chip Usage and Accrual
This memo is to inform all employees of Miramax, California that the Vending Machine located on the 4th Floor hereto, henceforth, vis a vis has been re-stocked to the specifications outlined in several belligerent Voicemails. Also this memo is to include the cola dispensing machine which was fix within the specifications where as it will not take money and not produce said cola upon pressurization of known white buttons.
In an attempt to better manage the availability of snacks and beverages for employee consumption, we have revised our policy on the use of accrued snack time and coke breaks effective immediately. These policies amend and supersede any snack policies (henceforth called "Chow Time" or "Thinking Breaks") covering the same subject matter in your unread Employee Policy Manual or which have been otherwise previously communicated (or maybe not even mention at all because sometime we love a surprise and so do you, right?). Note that this policy does not affect the rate of snack time accrual or 'snack-a-tude', only the use of such accrued snack time. Henceforth this email is purely jovial and not binding and meant only for the use of laughter...foremost etc. etc. period etc.
All Employees:
All employees are required to use their previously accrued snack time at the “average rate” (clarified below in Cheeto stains) of not less than one week of accrued snack time per month during the period running from Halloween through Super Bowl Sunday and to use 50% of their accrued snack time no later than six months of this policy change); provided, however, that employees shall not be required to use their snack time at an “Boy Am I Starving Rate” (clarified below) or use the phrase "It sure feels like a Monday I could use a snack now" for more than one week per month. No employee will lose credit for any accrued snacks and/or colas; however, the policy does require that such snacks, M&M snacks to be specifically excluded, shall be used in the manner set forth above. Please note that nothing in this policy alters the at-will nature of caffeine and it's ability to wake you and make you a little crazier than usual. Guarantee the availability of scheduled snacks or colas at any time during the term of employment or future snack time accrual with the exception of Cactus Coolers because they are oh so tasty and sometime we need a beverage that really "refreshes".
“Average Snack Rate” Defined
It is not the Company’s intent to require employees to take one week of accrued snack time every month, but rather that if you eat half a snack and put it in the refrigerator that you will eat the other half before it get moldy (henceforth noted as "moldy" or "stank" or "the green fuzzies". Example: an employee with six chocolate chip cookies under his or her belt, with six weeks of accrued snack time, could (provided of course that M&Ms are not baked into said cookies) count towards the use of accrued snack time. If the same employee chases accrued snacks with Mountain Dew (though the employee could drink a Dr. Pepper if they don't like the metal taste of The Dew) then said employee will be awake for hours allotted in the caffeine section of this memo. If an employee does not have sufficient accrued snack time to meet the required average snack rate (subject to Ho Ho availability). The employee must come as close as practicable to meeting the required average rate but not also drink coffee because that's more of a morning thing and no one would ever make a policy on coffee unless it was expensive coffee then we'd have two policies and both would say "drink less coffee and add more cheap milk"...but that's neither here nor there.
Administration for All Employees
Administration of this policy is as follows: Employees must eat Doritos and complete a schedule form or fill out the "Chip-tastic Everyone Wins" form at www.doritos.com. This outlining their PYT schedule (Pretty Young Thing) for super senior management approval. They will need to balance the snacking and cola needs of all departments when approving the maximum time needed to run up and grab said snack and then "suck it down" without chewing. Choking employees who pass out can not mark time unconscious time as overtime. Any employee who fails to submit to our snacking schedule or revised snacking schedule required by this Policy by the applicable deadline will be subject to disciplinary action (henceforth call "The Rack of Death") up to and including termination or be giving ten demerits by the Pep Square Leader and force to sit on the bench during this week's game verses the West Fork Bulldogs. Go Team Spartan!
Although employees are of course free to use their free will at any point after it is accrued, subject to previously obtained snack scheduling approval with hangover and PMS emergencies being the only free snack time exceptions). Lastly, recognize that this process does not negate the need for SAP, sorry.
Any questions please tape them to the snack machine. Thank you.
Here's the original vacation-time memo, for your comparison/edification:
From: XX
Sent: Wed 10/6/2004 3:36 PM
To: #MMX LA
Cc:
Subject: CA Policy Memo: Vacation Usage and Accrual
MIRAMAX FILM CORP.POLICY MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL CALIFORNIA EMPLOYEES
DATE: October 6, 2004
RE: Vacation Usage and Accrual - California
The Company’s policy on the use of accrued vacation time is changing
effective immediately. These policies amend and supersede any policies
covering the same subject matter in the Employee Policy Manual or which have
been otherwise previously communicated. Note that this policy does not
affect the rate of vacation time accrual, only the use of such accrued time.Contractual Employees
Employees under contract are required to use their previously accrued
vacation time at the “average rate” (clarified below) of not less than one
week of accrued vacation per month during the period ending on the earlier
of (1) the end of their current contract term, or (2) the end of the fiscal
year (current year ends September 30, 2005). For employees who have partial
months remaining on the term of their agreement, if there are more than 15
days remaining in the month, it will be treated as a complete month for
purposes of the foregoing policy. No employee will lose credit for any
accrued days; however, the policy does require that such days be used in the
manner set forth above.The above paragraph applies to all vacation time already accrued as of the
date of this Memorandum. Vacation time accrued after that date will be
subject to this Memorandum nine months after it is accrued.
At-Will Employees:At-will employees (i.e. non-contractual) are required to use their
previously accrued vacation time at the “average rate” (clarified below) of
not less than one week of accrued vacation per month during the period
running from October 6, 2004 through September 30, 2005 and to use 50% of
their accrued time no later than six months following the implementation of
this policy change, i.e., March 31, 2005); provided, however, that employees
shall not be required to use their vacation time at an “average rate”
(clarified below) of more than one week per month. No employee will lose
credit for any accrued days; however, the policy does require that such days
be used in the manner set forth above. Please note that nothing in this
policy alters the at-will nature of any at-will employee or ensures that
their employment will continue until September 30, 2005 (or to any other
date).The above paragraph applies to all vacation time already accrued as of the
date of this Memorandum. Vacation time accrued after that date will be
subject to this Memorandum nine months after it is accrued.
“Average Rate” DefinedIt is not the Company’s intent to require employees to take one week of
accrued vacation every month, but rather that vacation use averages out to
that rate. Example: an employee with six months under his or her contract,
with six weeks of accrued vacation, could (subject to the approval process
described below) use two weeks of vacation every other month, or could take
two weeks in the first month, none in the second month, and then one week
per month after that. If the same employee had seven weeks of accrued
vacation, only six weeks would have to be utilized prior to the contract’s
expiration (though the employee could use all seven, subject to approval).
If an employee does not have sufficient accrued vacation to meet the
required average rate the employee must come as close as practicable to
meeting the required average rate. For example, if an employee has four
months left on his or her contract, but has only three weeks of accrued
vacation, the employee must utilize all three weeks prior to the contract’s
expiration.Administration for All Employees
Administration of this policy is as follows: Employees with any accrued
vacation time are required to complete a schedule form (to be distributed by
HR) outlining their FY05 vacation schedule for their supervisor’s approval.
Supervisors will need to balance the needs of their own departments when
approving time off. All request forms are required to be submitted to your
supervisor no later than the close of business October 22, 2004.
Further, no later than two weeks after the end of each quarter of the FY,
any employee who has accrued vacation days which have remained unscheduled
for at least nine months must submit a revised schedule that includes all
such days – however, such submission shall not be required to the extent
that it would result in an “average rate” of vacation usage greater than one
week per month. Any employee who fails to submit to his supervisor any
schedule or revised schedule required by this Policy by the applicable
deadline will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including
termination. Confirmation of all approved, scheduled vacation time will be
returned to the employee by HR. Please note, as stated above, that newly
accrued vacation time will not become subject to this Memorandum until nine
months after it is accrued (although employees are of course free to use
their vacation time at any point after it is accrued, subject to scheduling
approval). Please note further that Company will make reasonable efforts to
approve the schedule that is submitted. Lastly, recognize that this process
does not negate the need for employees to continue to enter their time out
of the office into SAP.Any changes to confirmed schedules need to be communicated to Human
Resources immediately upon the change being made.To verify currently accrued vacation time, please refer to the ‘Vacation’
hours on your weekly paycheck. If you were hired prior to July 1, 1999,
please contact Human Resources for your grandfathered days, if any.
