Ask Choire: Creative Costumes And Getting Laid
It's time for another edition of Ask Choire, in which our soiled Editorial Director Choire Sicha returns from his moldy cave and takes a moment off from managing Gawker Media's indentured servants just to help our readers in need. This week, Choire deals with the pertinent Halloween issues: looking original and getting laid. Not in that order.
What the hell should I be for Halloween? Please keep in mind i'm poor, lazy, and hate the girl default kitty-cat prostitute thing.
Have you noticed the massive Halloween backlash in the ether — this week's NY Mag featured a confession of Halloween shame and disgust, for instance. Everyone acts like they're too cool/too old/too drunk to enjoy Halloween — and we think that's total crap.
Halloween is the most kick-ass holiday of the year. You get to put on something slutty, then you run around the streets, and you bar-hop until something disastrous happens. Yay Halloween!
But I know: seriously, what gives with those thousands of girls who think, "Oh, it's 39 degrees, why don't I put on a torn tubetop and go-go boots and a thong and march up 6th Avenue with my nipples standing up like two angry bottlenose dolphins? Tee hee, I'm a whore!" Half these girls (and the other half of these girls, who are actually men) couldn't suck cock for money if their pimp was holding a shard of broken mirror to their throat.
Still, I can understand their mindset. A couple of years ago I lost my mind and marched in the Halloween parade dressed as a space prostitute (the obligatory pop culture reference noted here, which, of course, no one got). It was freezing as shit and I thought I was going to die of hypothermia — but, ya know what? I got some.
And so will all those skanks, with their cat-whisker mascara lines are smeared across their face at 2 a.m. at the Holiday Cocktail Lounge. Of course they won't remember it.
Anyway, costumes this year:
Martha Stewart: everyone did it last year. No. No no no. There'll be like 18 pairs of people dressed as Martha and a big prison dyke, and they're going to run into each other at late-night East Village parties and feel really, really embarrassed.
George Bush/John Kerry/Karl Rove/Michael Moore: political costumes will be omnipresent this year, but a really funny one requires a good understanding of, like, politics. Teresa Heinz-Kerry drag will be big, but watch the use of ketchup, that's too easy — plus, a long night spent smeared with condiments always makes one feel like a discarded hot dog.
Costumes we'd like to see: put on a big plastic circle costume and paste giant cigarette butts to your face and go as Graydon Carter's ashtray. Hipster outfits: it's easy to get a frightwig, poor some tequila on your shirt, and be a Stroke. Some joker will go as Halliburton, covered in blood and with 380 tons of missing explosives in his pants. Hopefully two chicks will get dressed up as the lawsuit-happy couple of the year: Anna Wintour's injured maid and Naomi Campbell's battered maid. That'd be hot. Someone will put some befouled sushi on their head and go as Mary-Kate Olsen's vomit, which would be super-cute, and someone won't talk all night and go as Ashlee Simpson's reflux disease — and maybe someone will make themselves invisible, and go as Tina Brown's ratings, though New York mag has a cheaper suggestion for that than inventing an invisibility potion. Oh, and a twosome could go as DiSpirito and Chodorow and just dress up like giant twats.
There's great suggestions over at The Stranger, of course. But what we'd really like to see is someone dressing as Paris Hilton's talent, which of course means they'd be completely naked. Oh, har! No, seriously! Har!
