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The MPAA, shrewdly sensing that their customers desperately want to be sued to kill time in their empty lives while they await the next Spider-man sequel, launched the first wave of lawsuits against movie file-sharers yesterday. Way to go, MPAA! The music industry's similar lawsuits against their consumer base has ushered in a new Golden Age of CD sales, and we're sure that your adoption of their strategy will inevitably result in every American buying an average of two movie tickets per day.

However, the MPAA isn't complacent in their legal offensive; they're also innovating on the technological front. They're offering a free program that detects movie files on a user's computer, inviting parents to partner with them in the war on piracy. If the program detects illicitly downloaded files on a child's computer, a video of pirate-hunter-in-twilight Jack Valenti appears on the screen, urging the parents to immediately delete the file, stuff the offending child in a burlap sack, and drown them in the bathtub. But before the parents can fetch the sack, another video of current MPAA head Dan Glickman fades in, begging the parents to spare their scofflaw offspring and promising that a severe beating with a bag full of Mandarin oranges will teach the mini-pirates the same lesson. Then Glickman encourages the family to go see The Incredibles following the beating, further cementing the idea of respecting copyrights.