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A reader reports that anti-piracy shock troops were stationed at last night's screening of Ocean's Twelve. The MPAA and studio need to be absolutely certain that this paean to the crackling chemistry between Brad Pitt and his abs doesn't get seen even a minute before its release date—viewers need to experience the longing glances at his own six-pack on the big screen, not hunched over a computer monitor.

So I just got back from a screening of Ocean's Twelve at the Pacific Theatres in the Sherman Oaks Galleria. Despite the fact that the screening was for film exhibitors, Warner Brothers was still paranoid that someone may have smuggled a mini dv cam in their purse (or worse).

To make it clear that piracy WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, an ominous warning appeared in big black letters on the screen prior to the start of the film. Then after the lights dimmed and well into the movie I noticed ghostly silhouettes standing on either side of the auditorium peering at the audience through night vision goggles. I was concerned that the execs might become drunk with night vision power and begin to reach out and attempt to secretly caress various audience members the way Buffalo Bill did to poor Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs, but eventually they disappeared, presumably to go grab a mai tai at PF Chang's in which to drown their inevitable shame and embarrassment of the debacle that is Alexander.

After the mai tais, the pirate-busters proceeded to the Cheesecake Factory, where they upended tables, intimidated the wait staff, and demanded an oath from every patron that they will "respect copyrights" in the future.