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Hollywood's release schedule is in the dry-heaves phase after a couple of weeks of heavy, Thanksgiving season reverse-peristalsis. Indulge us as we pick through last week's half-digested corn and come up with a new set of box office projections.

1. National Treasure — $16 million
With no real challengers to his box office champ, Jerry Bruckheimer will spend his weekend hashing out ideas for National Treasure 2. So far, this is what he's got: The Apocalypse is narrowly averted when Nic Cage decodes an ancient prophesy hidden in the pubic hairstyles of Playboy centerfolds from the 1970s.

2. The Incredibles — $12 million
Is it wrong to find yourself lost in hour-long fantasies about ways that ElastiGirl might put her super-flexibility to use? Don't look at us that way, we're only asking for a friend.

3. Christmas With the Kranks — $11 million
Spending Christmas with Tim Allen is a lot like spending Easter in the emergency room—as snickering interns try to remove the chocolate bunny you "accidentally fell on."

4. The Polar Express — $9 million
Hey, it's doing well in IMAX theaters, where people can properly appreciate the characters' creepy, 50-ft wide, dead eyes.

5. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie —$7 million
Paramount executives have been huddled behind closed doors all week, trying to figure out a way to splice in a new ending in which SpongeBob meets a gruesome death, and thus eliminate the possibility of any profit-making sequels.