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Actually, gossip this week isn't so much actually "gossip" as it is "items placed in exchange for Christmas bribes and favors owed and/or actual press releases and human interest stories," but hell:

· Rev up your agents, Jean Smart, Kathy Bates, and Jill Eikenberry: there's a plum distressed-mother role to be had in a forthcoming Lifetime movie! And Erik Anthony Aude is available for work, as the "Dude, Where's My Car?" bit actor was released on Christmas after two waist-reducing years in Pakistani prison on drug-smuggling charges. Treatment as of yet unsold. [Reuters]
· Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Britney Spears don't move tabloid mags; Jessica Simpson's publicist-enhanced marital strife does. [Page Six]
· Double chest double needed: Lindsay Lohan must clone herself to manage her multiple New Year's Eve commitments. [Gatecrasher]
· "Infidelity expert" Ruth Houston flacks her own bad self with a list of the Top Ten Infidelity Stories of 2004, in which she mistakenly refers to Kinsey as a "blockbuster." [PR Web]
· Somewhere, a Tilly smacks her forehead as she chomps on her second Egg McMuffin: obligatory "Actress Packed on Pounds for 'Spanglish'" story written. [AP]