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Christmas goes a bit ass at the box office, down $40 mil from last year's Christmas weekend—but still, can the studios really blame baby Jesus having his birthday on a Saturday for shitty turn-out, given our choices?

1. Meet the Fockers: $44.7 million. (Five-day total: $68.5 mil, new Christmas Day record: $14 million). First with her marriage to James Brolin, and now with her role in Fockers, Barbra Streisand has cemented her association with geriatric sex. But, really, who can say anything bad about the welcome big screen return of the Queen of Liberal Hollywood—particularly when she's cast with lackluster comic actors of yesteryear who are phoning in performances and counting their paychecks on camera? Oh, and De Niro and Hoffman, too!

2. Fat Albert: 12.7 million. What, was there a series of dumbass conventions near the multiplexes this weekend? 20th Century Fox hands America lard on a plate and America takes a big, fat, mind-numbing bite.

3. Lemony Snicket...: $12.5 million. Sure it opened with an "eh, not bad, well, not quite what we expected" $35 mil first weekend. But Jim Carrey can only suck in a $12.5 million over Christmas? WHAT. THE. FUCK. JIM. That fat kid totally pounded your ass, and you've got only $59 million grosssed to date—and we all know most of that went to bribing Meryl Streep to play along.

4. The Aviator: $9.4 million. Might have done better, but waited to blow out to more than three screens 'til Christmas Day itself. Also? Nearly 170 minutes long. "Oh, I know honey! Let's go see an insanely over-long biopic about a reclusive superfreak!* And let's bring the kids!" (*See also: Life Aquatic, which stretched to get $4.8 million. Seriously, is there a film editors' strike in Hollywood or something? Cut 30 minutes and call me next year, Wes Anderson and Brad Silberling.)

5. Ocean's Twelve: $8.6 million. With a total gross of $89 million so far, America is only mildly hypnotized by George Clooney's gigantic cock.