In lieu of our traditional weekend to-do list, I offer you the advice that's always worked for me while in L.A.: start early with the Night Train, drive on the sidewalk a little bit, and "accidentally" bang on your neighbor's door at 3 a.m. until they let you in for some sex.

Also, please spend your weekend not seeing Fockers or Lemony Snicket: leave that to the mallrats of Wisconsin. I can, at least, recommend that you indulge in that most homosexual of meals, brunch. You should always start your year with a gay meal. Also, maybe swing by Marilyn Manson's house and see what the haps is. He loves it when folks just come a-calling.

And on that melon-balled note, I'm out of here. Your regular host, Mark Lisanti, returns fresh and "clean" on Monday morning. Here's hoping you have a long, luscious year of three-picture deals and satisfying copyright infringements. L'Chaim!