Brace yourself—I'm taking most of next week off to pursue other projects. Namely, I'm going to try my hand at model-feeding. I'll be the fairy godmother of Bryant Park, doling out iceberg lettuce and cigarettes to those in need. The prospect of charity work is so exciting, isn't it?!

Covering my ass will be the lovely Noelle Hancock, who recently fled the offices of the Observer for a life of freelance parakeet-feeding. Pertinent information: Once a "real journalist," Noelle is best known for revealing her lower-back tattoo in the esteemed pages of Stuff magazine and is just incompetent enough to fit in around here. I'll be back on Friday, and in the meantime, Matt Haber will still be around to beat Noelle if necessary.