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Only the following five movies will get you laid on the eve of Hallmark's favorite manufactured holiday:

1. Hitch—$36 million
Oh, these studios and their opportunistic release schedules! Sony's dumping the date movie into the Valentine's Day weekend theaters, hoping that men will believe they'll get "that special favor" if they sit through 90 minutes of Will Smith pretending to be adorably clumsy with women. Guys: Hold out until you're promised an entire week of servicing...and get it in writing. V-Day is about nothing if not the commerce of love.

2. Boogeyman—$10 million
Even teenagers with low SAT scores need a date movie this weekend.

3. Pooh's Heffalump Movie—$8 million
You'd think one of the kids in the illegal day care we run out of our apartment would've said something about it, but we've never even heard of this movie. Do you think if we ease back on the Valium dosage they'll keep us better informed?

4. Million Dollar Baby—$7 million
Spoiler alert: Nothing says Valentine's Day like a sweaty love affair between a gruff boxing trainer and his one-eyed gym manager.

5. The Wedding Date—$6 million
Another cynical V-Day pick. There are a lot of ticking biological clocks out there that need to be drowned out by Debra Messing.