This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

Please meditate on this weekend's box office numbers, the only fitting way to commemorate our former Presidents on their special day,

1. Hitch—$31.8 million
America has spoken with their moviegoing dollar, endorsing a second week of the crippling cuteness of Will Smith's big-eared, charm-the-panties-off-a-nun-in-a-wheelchair date doctor over Keanu Reeves' monosyllabic, chain-smoking exorcist. In retrospect, it doesn't look like much of a fight. It's much easier to hug a teddy bear for two hours than to scratch your head and repeatedly ask, "Is Keanu reading his lines off of Rachel Weisz's forehead?"

2. Constantine—$30.5 million
Keanu Reeves didn't win the weekend's box office showdown, but he opened the movie well enough to ensure that Hollywood's Most Unlikely Star™ will land above the title on blockbuster posters again and again. Pretty soon he's going to stop playing Christ figures and beg Mel Gibson to give him a shot at finally doing Jesus in the Passion of the Christ sequel.

3. Because of Winn Dixie—$10.85 million
The smiling dog is already regotiating his contract for the sequel, demanding that his trailer on the next movie be filled with Labrador bitches in heat.

4. Son of the Mask—$7.7 million
It's not like the first Mask movie was any great cinematic achievement, but couldn't the studio banish Alan Cumming and the Mask baby directly to the family aisle at Blockbuster? Or to a dirty blanket in a stall at a Russian black market?

5. Million Dollar Baby—$7.2 million
By this time next week, we'll all be talking about how Hilary Swank forgot to thank her husband in her Oscar speech (again), and how Clint Eastwood gave the first acceptance speech comprised entirely of a steely, grizzled stare.