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Wherein we invite our readers to unlearn everything they every thought they knew about the English language, fully surrender to the prose Rapture of humpy E! gossip savior Ted Casablanca, and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. Ted's back on his game after nearly boring the gossip collective unconscious into Jungian annihilation last week, offering up a tale of a starlet who's down for anything after a drink or twelve. Chug from the bottle of One Tanked Titty Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Jeez, who isn't a lesbian these days. Pretend, fake, real, for press-attention only, what-ev already! Marcia Cross says she isn't. Portia insists she doesn't discuss. Paris proclaims she's "just dating," but Cell-gate sure makes it clear how benevolent she's become in that department, huh? And then there's Bertha Bad-Breath, who, in addition to the bottle, has been sucking on every part of the female anatomy offered her. Wherever. Whenever." Read the item.

You say: UPDATE: Your guesses are posted.