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Disappointed that our ACME mail-order Graydon Carter costume doesn't look anything like the catalog picture and will be woefully insufficient to crash the Vanity Fair party, and lacking the funds to buy even one of the five-star croutons at Elton John's charity viewing party, we've decided to crash out on the sofa to watch the Oscars with some pals who haven't quite conquered their drinking problems. In between booze refills and restorative handfuls of Ritalin, we're going to attempt to liveblog the telecast. Yup, all four-plus hours of it, come hell, high water, a hospital trip for alcohol poisoning, or an Apocalypse-inducing Don Cheadle win. So stop in and check out our inebriated ramblings about Hollywood's Biggest Night™ throughout the evening. Who knows, we may crumble under the pressure of this endurance test and you may witness the internet's first Oscar liveblogging suicide.

Who says there are no losers on Oscar night?