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After all of the attention we paid to the slow-motion trainwreck that was the months-long publicity onlsaught for Fat Actress, we thought it was only fair that we actually watch it one time. So we checked it out over the free Yahoo feed (did you think we have Showtime? When we want to watch attractive lesbians make out, there's this thing called the internet) and stared, mouth agape, as Kirstie Alley rolled around on the floor of her bathroom and emitted what must have been a high-pitched distress call to the Lifetime Network, a siren begging to be placed in a basic cable movie about the dangers of overeating.

But we stuck with it. If that shriek didn't shatter our eardrums and send blood streaming down our cheeks, we were safe, right? We sat through look-at-me cameos by Scientologist pals John Travolta and Kelly Preston, and a somewhat amusing turn by former NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker, who displayed a Tourette's-like need to belch out comments about how corpulent the series' star appeared.

Nothing, however, could've prepared us for what was to come. In a bit of foreplay between Alley and the guy from Hanging with Mr. Cooper, the two would-be lovers delayed the impending physics problem of their imminent boot-knocking by plopping down in front of an open refrigerator, where Cooper proceeded to feed Alley a popsicle (subtle), a mouthful of whip cream (even more subtle), and then a slab of roast beef (the subtext grows more elusive still). Lest this somehow sound "hot," or call to mind 9 1/2 Weeks, let us put it a different way: We fear the result of this terrifying display will be a total collapse of the beef, dairy, and frozen dessert industries, and with priorities shifted by these shortages, a wave of abstinence will descend upon our continent like an ice age. And if that keeps Alley from ever again engaging in food-based, televised foreplay, it will all be to the good.