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We apologize if we're indulging in a stereotypical view of the St. Patrick's holiday, and we know there's more to it than drinking to excess. But as hard as we tried, we could not find a single event in which we can all get together and drive the snakes out of the city. Now if you really need instructions on how to get shitfaced, welcome to our very brief guide to alcoholism's amateur hour, March the 17th:
· Line up in front of Tom Bergin's on Fairfax, where people have just gained consciousness after last year's holiday bender and rejoined the massive queue outside. After an hour of so of serious drinking, you'll start to think that each one of the shamrocks taped to the ceiling bears the name of your least-favorite ex.
· The Knitting Factory's Shamrock Rock features some DJs, live music, and the obligatory "Shamrocky drink specials."
· If Tom Bergin's doesn't satisfy all of your "Irish bar on Fairfax needs," there's also Molly Malone's, which should service you in a much smaller space. And take it from us, it's practically impossible NOT to hook up when crushed up against a development assistant in a green top hat!
· For homebodies, there's an all-new episode of The OC on tonight. But this is no time to slack off from your drinking reponsibilities: Every time you find yourself wistfully remembering a similar, but better, moment from the first season, drink half of your Guinness.

[By the way, the frog with the green beer cracks us up so much that we had to use it twice. Forgive us, we've been drinking since 8:00 a.m. SSSSH!]