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If director Michael Bay had a blog, what would we write about? Behind-the-scenes accounts of his dealings in the entertainment industry? His sexual conquests? The profound disappointment of realizing that he's become only the second-hackiest fauxteur in town since Brett Ratner's hacky genius descended over Hollywood? The anonymous author behind the Michael Bay blog tries to intercept the director's innermost thoughts and present them in an online diary:

It generally takes my assistants a half hour to go through the day's mail which then the loot gets divvied up to what gets kept and what gets sent to be traded in for cash. I had a stack of it to go through today, and I got the FAT ALBERT movie. What a troubled production on top of being butt mud. And they hired Joel Zwick, who directed a $200 million dollar plus hit with My Best Friend's Wedding. But he gets no credit for it so he takes this thing and it blows in his face like a peek a boo Ron Jeremy nutting.

Also discussed: Hilary Duff's vagina, what vegetables fit inside the various body cavities a certain Fat Albert co-star, and how dating Fez affects a starlet's fuckability quotient. Enjoy the blog before the lawyers find it!