'Tis the season when the great, chain-link gates of higher education open and release thousands of innocent young things into the rat race. This has led to the inevitable influx of unsolicited internship inquiries to slaveship Gawker and, for those of you who are so woefully misguided as to express interest in lending a hand, a few tips:

1. You're sending an unsolicited email, so get our attention. Formal emails just don't cut it. We want to see your sass! Style! Panache! An unfunny intern isn't worthy of putting the umbrellas in our drinks.
2. We need to know that you can write. We certainly cannot string together nouns and verbs, and we need someone to cover for us. So show us your column, your blog, whatever.
3. Resumes really don't matter. We'd rather know why you want to be a part of this unsexy bitch, especially since you don't get paid.
4. There's no office, but would you mind bringing coffee up 6 flights of stairs every morning at 7am?

If you're still inexplicably interested, well, God help you. If you make us hot, we'll get back to you.