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As always, weigh your cinematic options carefully before venturing to the multiplex. We wouldn't want you trolling for some Oscar-winners and wind up with two hours of Kutcher.

1. The Interpreter—$20 million
Perhaps the most interesting thing in the movie is Nicole Kidman's perfect, porcelain face; her make-up artists are obviously top-notch, for they spackled up every crow's foot, wrinkle, and crease en route to making her look like she was in her mid-twenties. Either that, or Kidman's people have access to some kind of next-generation Botox that could smooth out a shar-pei. (We only exaggerate to express how incredibly, distractingly wrinkle-free she is. But, you know, hot.)

We don't want to give away anything here, but there might be some Sean Penn man-crying involved. And not your standard-issue, my-daughter-is-dead-so-here-come-the-waterworks stuff. This is a new, dry kind of man-cry. He may have had his tear ducts cauterized, because he is just that committed as an actor.

2. The Amityville Horror—$11 million
Perhaps it's time that this movie pass from the top five, so that our dreams can finally be free of creepy, dirty-zombie children, bleeding walls, and Ryan Reynolds' shirtless attempts at being scary. We'd love to get a good night's sleep again.

3. Kung Fu Hustle—$10 million
We are very much in love with this movie. If it were a movie producer, we would blow it, even if it ensured us that we wouldn't be getting the job. We can't wait for Hollywood to remake it and fuck it up completely.

4. A Lot Like Love—$9 million
We often joke that we'd rather commit suicide in some grisly, creative way than see a particular movie. With this one, there's no kidding involved. We'd really rather stick our heads in the oven while being sodomized with (not *by* one, stay with us) a rabid pit bull than sit through this. The best part is, we can just not buy a ticket and stop worrying about taking our own lives!

5. Sahara—$7 million
"Matthew McConaughey" is an excellent name to yodel.