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This is exactly what will happen at the box office this weekend:

1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy—$23 million
It's probably not blockbuster-y enough nor sufficiently fanboy-baiting to do the business that would make the studios' attempts to shove summer down our throats in April seem like a success. This, of course, is a Bad Thing for the movie, but a Good Thing for society. But hey, it's got Tim from the British version of The Office in it, so we're there in an armchair. (We just made that up but hope it catches on, eventually reaching "talk to the hand'-level overuse.)

2. XXX: State of the Union—$21 million
We can't get excited by any action "franchise" that that Vin Diesel dropped like a dead puppy dipped in hot sauce. Next up for Cube: a starring role in The Pacifier sequel after Gary the Duck moves on to bigger and better.

3. The Interpreter—$12 million
Finally, a movie for people who want to leave the theater with a nagging feeling that they were somewhat entertained, sort of!

4. The Amityville Horror—$7 million
Ryan Reynold's abs is an excellent name to yodel? We got nothing. Would you just fucking go away already, you lame little movie?

5. Sahara—$6 million
McConaughey and Zahn, welcome to our Netflix queue. See ya in a couple of months, and we'll try not to forget about you in the meantime.