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You can all exhale (or begin your ritual cutting) now, as I'm back from my weeklong journey into sunlight — a journey so intense, in fact, that I just might be tan enough to assume multiple new ethnic identities. When I wasn't using my free time to sleep or pee in the pool, I worked on my new hobby: peeling the dead skin from my shoulders and saving it all in a pile, which I'm slowly molding into a life-size replica of myself. Watch out, Tussaud!

Anywho, thanks to Noelle Hancock and Michael Gross for maintaining a suitable level of retardation in my absence. Keeping with our naughty Gawker Gangbang, this week's guest editor is Editor & Publisher's online spiritual leader, the Reverend Jesse Oxfeld. A single gay male living the Manhattan Jew dream (I've no idea what that means), Piscean Jesse loves watching Animal Planet, singing the Haggadah as if it were a 1940s showtune, and dressing in this season's hot corals. Treat him well, and he just might take you on a top-secret, top-sexy Kenyan getaway.