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If you think we've been relentlessly torturing you as we work out our personal issues with the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes situation, be glad you didn't run into us at a party this weekend. Watching a grown man collapse in a heap and cry after trying to explain all of the rational, publicity-driven motives behind the unholy pairing to drunk, uninterested friends is sad enough; when the friends decide the only way to silence you is to pelt your crumpled form with Solo cups half-full with cheap bear and cigarette butts, well, you learn to come to peace with things a little more quickly. Therapy takes many forms, and we're getting there. Slowly.

In any case, a Defamer operative serving time in the Windy City sent us this blurry phonecam shot of the cover of the Chicago Sun Times, which somehow hilariously juxtaposes our inner monologue with a picture of the happy couple who will likely never engage in an act of sexual congress.

Related: Even the mainstream media, always eager to gobble the spin-tainted loads of celebrity publicists, know that something doesn't quite add up