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Your weekend moviegoing options are limited by the following box office projections. If this feels restricting, please realize that life is wholly predetermined anyway.

1. Kingdom of Heaven—$31 million
One one level, making Orlando Bloom the centerpiece of a Crusades epic makes perfect sense: Wouldn't God want the instrument of his wrath against the heathens to be as pretty as humanly possible? We think he would. On another, more practical, level, the last time Ridley Scott went in the historical epic direction, his hero was the far burlier Russell Crowe, whose Maximus would likely bend a nancy-boy like Bloom over the side of chariot just to let him know who's boss. The aforementioned nanciness of Bloom will probably keep this from being a Gladiator-sized hit.

2. House of Wax—$22 million
Spoiler alert: Paris Hilton dies! We know! Can you believe it? OMG OMG! Wouldn't it be soooo awesome to watch her die in a movie?

Eh, not really.

3. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy—$11 million
The fanboys have already swarmed the theaters, clucked their half-hearted disapproval, and will not return.

4. The Interpreter—$8 million
If this movie is truly Sydney Pollack's love letter to the UN (we read that in several places), does that make Sean Penn the on-screen representation of Pollack's penis, ineffectually penetrating the gaping vagina represented by the UN's General Assembly? Someone might need to tack on another therapy session each week. Probably us.

5. Crash—$7 million
What happens when the writer of Million Dollar Baby has no filter between his heavy-handedness and what winds up on screen? We'll let you know if we get around to seeing it.