1) Colin Quinn, fellow SNLers Slovin and Allen, and Todd Barry, among others, make people laugh at Zipper Theater tonight to raise money for the 826NYC writing center. Like Dave Eggers doesn't already have enough of our collective money. [Flavorpill]

2) Hang out with a bunch of Muffies, Frannies, and Parkers at The Kitchen's Spring Gala Benefit honoring Yoko Ono and Caroline Stone Keating. Tickets for the big show start at $500, but the financially disadvantaged can attend the after-party (look! Maer Roshan's on the committee. What can't this guy do?) for the low, low price of $125. [The Kitchen]

3) Fratty cousin couch-surfing this week? Send him to see Dave Matthews Band at Roseland and give yourself one night off from "Family Guy" catchphrases. [Upcoming.org]