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In a bit of news that you won't be able to avoid without locking yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber outside of a primitive village in the jungles of Papau New Guinea (nearby cannibal tribe optional), Renee Zellweger has secretly married a country music star whom we've never heard of. From what we gather, he looks good in a cowboy hat (if you're into that sort of thing) and is almost certainly not Jack White in a clever disguise designed to fuck with the tabloids.

In a related story, we have already lost interest in this story. If it were at all possible to drop dead from a mixture of complete incomprehension and utter apathy, we'd have keeled over halfway through that last sentence. Hey, has anyone heard anything new about the contents of Jennifer Garner's uterus?