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"Look, we both know that no one's buying into our relationship. Oprah was a fucking disaster. Would it have been so hard for you to come on stage without me putting you in a half-nelson and marching you on stage like you were about to face a firing squad? Well, now we're both fucked. I'm invoking the emergency clause, and as you're well aware, you're contractually obligated to go along with me as we step it up another notch. Yes, moving in together. Yes, engagement. And yes, Scientology. All of it. And I'll set you up with some bigger people at CAA, but first you've got to show a little enthusiasm, OK? I don't like all this making out stuff any more than you do, but you've gotta lose the condom on your tongue. Sooner or later, some paparazzi's gonna catch that on film, it's gonna wind up on the internet, and then we're gonna need to have that little scuba-diving accident we talked about. Oh, for L.Ron's sake! I hate thinly-veiled death threats. I have to get back to the Centre and knock out some Thetans. And yes, you're coming with me."

Bonus: Nice 'n Generic Adjectives to Use to Describe Your Girlfriend When You Don't Actually Know Her That Well