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Your guesses are in! Do another lap around One Poor-Me Blind Vice before moving on:

Ted sez: "Melba Toasted may know how to get a primo paycheck, but the poor brat just can't seem to get a friggin' break, nonetheless. Boo-hoo. Ever since Melba's man, Devon Heaven, decided he wanted less wasted pastures (bedroom- and life-wise), Melba has simply been a wreck. I mean, what's a jilted princess to do? Start writing a column called "Dear Jennifer"? Doubt Melba's thought of anything so tacky—or common." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump.

You say: According to your painstaking analysis of the clues Ted dropped in his inimitable, semi-English gossip stylings, Melba Toasted is...get ready for it...Lindsay Lohan. Why must all trashy roads lead to Lohan? She can't be the answer to every item. Surely there is more than one scandal-worthy starlet in this town, and this other theoretical troublemaker must be the true subject of the item. It's just the law of averages at work. Can't argue with a math-type situation.

You say: Many guessed Jennifer Aniston, but we have a quibble: Yes, Ted does mention "Dear Jennifer," but wouldn't including the subject's name in the item invalidate its "blind" status? Unless, of course, the word "Jennifer" means something completely different in Tedspeak. We're willing to entertain that possibility. He's bent the language into far more puzzling configurations than that one in the past.

You say: A smattering of others, including Tara Reid, Kate Bosworth, Nicole Kidman, J-Lo, and some others we're too bored to list.

And The Andy Dick Memorial "You Also Say Item" Goes To: Andy Dick, by default.

Thanks to everyone for playing!