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These days, no matter how much coffee we drink, we can't seem to wake up without a morning update of the latest developments in the highly effective publicity partnership of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Their latest transgressions against a century of Hollywood public relations doctrine began at the MTV Movie Awards and ended at the Batman Begins junket, according to Page Six:

"Katie requested a private dressing room, which was in the basement," we're told. "Tom and Katie came roaring up on his motorcycle and disappeared for the whole night into the room with her p.r. guy, a stylist, a hairdresser, a makeup person and six Scientologists, including Tom's sister [and p.r. woman] Lee Anne DeVette. They did not come out except for when they went onstage — did not mingle with anyone in the green room — and then left."

Holmes had to be back at the Regent Beverly Wilshire early the next morning for the "Batman Begins" junket, where she and Cruise "made out in the hallway in front of all the journalists and TV people in between every interview."

"We are talking a public display for hours," said our source. "It was over the top, unnecessary and gross."

We've all seen at least dozen instances of their utterly unconvincing tonsil-hockey, and our involuntary reverse-peristaltic reactions have long given way to reflexive yawns. It's time, finally, for this crazy-in-junket-love pair to escalate the charade to PR Defcon 4 and call a worldwide press conference, wherein the couple performs with heterosexual vigor every position in the Kama Sutra beneath 50 foot monitors showing a continuous loop of both the War of the Worlds and Batman Begins trailers. After the completion of the final position (the "Crippled Butterfly Wheelbarrow," if memory serves), Scientology officials will take the couple's e-meter readings and publicly certify that both parties fully enjoyed the proceeding acts of congress. Anything short of this coup de grace is going to look like amateur hour.

Also in Cruise-Holmes news: Only their promotional duties can pry the couple apart, and the PDA show spreads to the Batman premiere.