We actually went with the above hed because, really, how often do we get to write about Alan Dershowitz and lesbians?

We're going to go ahead and dub this week's Times Book Review "All-Star" because if Harvard LawBot Alan Dershowitz is the biggest name they've got, you know it's going to need a little help from our hyping. Thankfully, Intern Alexis was just sober enough to stay awake for this week's review of the Review. After the jump, lesbian partners and Vogue editors with bad manners (not mutually exclusive, FYI) in her weekly guide to sounding half-smart.

The Survivor: Bill Clinton in the White House
 By John F. Harris
Reviewed by Alan Ehrenhalt

In his review of The Survivor, Alan Ehrenhalt takes a whole long time going over why folks regard Bill Clinton as the worst President ever and by paragraph number five finally gets to the point of his review: It is this argument that John F. Harris utterly demolishes in The Survivor Kabam! We understand that keeping us on the edge of our seats is important, but for five paragraphs? We have places to go and people to see, dude. He mentions that Harris sounds at the end very much as if he would enjoy having a few dinners with Clinton in years to come and it s clear that Ehrenhalt, himself, with all the Clinton-coddling that goes on post-paragraph-five, would like to have dinner as well with Bubba. But Clinton, like us, is a very busy man, and probably just had time to peruse the first couple paragraphs of this review. The moral of the story is this: if you want to have dinner with Bill Clinton, say you love him up front. Not at the end. Cause he might not have time to read the whole review.

Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated
 By Judith Martin
Reviewed by Julia Reed

Before Vogue contributing editor Julia Reed can begin her review of the new Miss Manners guide she must first confess that she has only mailed out thank you notes to about 27 of the 200 people who gave her wedding gifts. And, in the spirit of confessional reviews, before we can begin we must confess that recently, an elderly couple scolded us at a restaurant for being too loud and told us to use our inside voice and we said (slightly tipsily), why don t you use YOUR inside voice back. Glad all that rudeness is out on the table and out of the way. Anyway, Reed s review is actually quite sweet, but she ends things on an odd note: Now I am old enough to listen to my mother, she writes. For those of you who don t have one, there is, thankfully, Martin whose endless virtues I could extol for several more pages. We are sure that anyone who has lost their mother will really find solace in Reed s suggestion that they look to someone who is unabashedly enthusiastic about grape scissors for moral guidance and emotional support.

In the Shadow of the Law
 By Kermit Roosevelt
Reviewed by Alan M. Dershowitz

First off, with some light Google-searching we found that Kermit Kim Roosevelt is the great-great-grandson of Teddy Roosevelt. In his review of Kermie's cut-throat law firm tell-all, Dershowitz admits that his favorite character in the book is the Jewish litigator (surprise! Surprise!) and he wonders how a Roosevelt, presumably more familiar with Hyde Park than Borough Park, managed to capture the ambience of this Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in which I grew up, until I noticed that he listed by book Chutzpah as one of his sources. Of course, Kim read up on "Chutzpah" and bagels and yentas. He wasn t allowed to meet any real Jews at Groton. Also, we d like to point out, in an incredibly dorky way, that if Kermit is in fact of the T.R. line rather than the F.D.R. line of Roosevelts, wouldn t he be more familiar with Oyster Bay rather than Hyde Park? And going one step further, both homes are now historic landmarks and you don t have to be a Roosevelt to see T.R. s elephant foot wastepaper basket. Even a Brooklyn Jew can go! That s egalitarianism for ya.

The Rivals
 By Johnette Howard
Reviewed by Jay Jennings

Jay Jennings gets all Miss Manners on us and throughout his review of The Rivals: Chris Evert v. Martin Navratilova and never once mentions the fact that Navratilova is a lezzy. We try to be as non-heteronormative as possible and totally understand the whole well, if she was straight, we wouldn t mention that she was straight mentality. In fact we re so homo-normative that we always assume everybody is gay. Always. Basically, you are gay until proven otherwise in our book. We love the gays! And the lezzies! But come on now, quoting a line from the book that says .They were among a new breed of fiercely independent women whose partners, boyfriends or husbands were often a peripheral presence in their public lives just doesn t cut it for us. That is so roundabout and indirect! Just come out and say it. Lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbianlesbianlesbianlesbian. See, that wasn t so hard.