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Wherein we invite our readers to tempt the instantaneous liquefaction of their cortical language centers by puzzling over the brain-smoothing prose of humpy E! gossip despot Ted Casablanca and hazarding a guess as to the identity of his weekly blind-item. No poof-pounding this week (even Ted needs a break once in a while), but a tricky game awaits nonetheless. Shuffle listlessly through the blighted landscape of One Hair-Raising Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Slurpina Regina is renowned for doing what guys love the most, and usually chicks don't. And, no, I'm not talking about bottom-line boinking. Get your minds outta the gonzo gutter, already. I'm not that bad. Yet. Slurp, for short (just like her), broke up not long ago with her cute man, Smiley Fakeit. Now, though S. 'n' S. have both made a killing in their chosen professions, it's rather ironic that neither of them are a bit like the public thinks." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to defamer[AT]gmail.com and put "blind" in the subject line. We'll post your responses later today.