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Yesterday afternoon, we wrote:
"Given the way that every step of the couple’s partnership has been botched by Cruise’s publisister, Lee Anne Devette, we wouldn’t be at all surprised if the announcement comes while a fist-pumping Cruise climbs to the top of the conspicuously phallic Eiffel Tower to shout down proclamations of his deep feelings to the assembled press like the King Kong of unconvincing love."

This morning, we read:
"'Yes I proposed to Kate last night ... because it is very beautiful and romantic here,' Cruise said, smiling and exchanging glances with Holmes, who was sitting in the audience. 'I haven't slept all night. It's very exciting and very beautiful,' Cruise said, adding he had proposed at the Eiffel Tower."

Really, the Eiffel Fucking Tower? That guy needs better writers.

We assume that Cruise's insomnia was brought about by the adrenaline rush he experienced from scaling the tower like the aforementioned, storied cinematic primate, and the rush of knowing that if the starlet clinging to his back for dear life failed to meet her obligation and accept his proposal, he would be well within his contractual rights to send her plummeting to her death.

We now gird ourselves for the hasty announcement of a tentative fake-wedding date, an US Weekly spread featuring Holmes shopping for a fake-wedding dress, and the total annihilation of everything that is good and holy.

It is done.

[Also, did you notice that she's "Kate" now? Hasn't he changed her enough?]

[And just for fun: Katie Denies Engagement Rumors in Rome!]

[Photo: Reuters]