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In what should have been a joyful collision of two of our obsessions ("Hey, you got your out-of-control starlet in my desperate action-star!" etc etc), Lindsay Lohan gleefully hopped upon Jay Leno's couch last night in imitation of one crazy-in-fake-love Oprah guest, and in so doing, forcibly retired the kinetic poetry known as Doing The Cruise. This is a sad day at Defamer HQ indeed.

If Lohan needed a way to ingratiate herself to America's late night audience with playful self-deprecation, perhaps she should have rushed off the set and locked herself in a bathroom stall and refused to come out until Leno did a couple of bumps with her. Why must she destroy everything that we hold dear?

We shall Cruise no more forever!